On recently passed Sen. Ted Kennedy: "The fact that a Republican is in [his seat] must have him rolling in his grave probably spilling his drink."
On Bill Clinton's recent heart attack scare: "When the doctors asked him what his symptoms were he said it felt like two interns were sitting on his chest. He is fine now he just had to have a stem surgically inserted into his boxers."
On House Speaker Nancy Pelosi: "the botox is seeping into her brain now."
On MSNBC's Keith Olbermann: "[He's] a girl."
On town hall protesters: "CNN calls them teabaggers, which is the gayest thing I've ever heard on CNN other than Anderson Cooper."
On the president: "Since Obama was elected, ironically, for the first time in my life I'm sometimes not proud of my country."
The CPAC crowd was in stitches.